The ego can be both a positive and negative force in our lives. The ego tells us we are special and unique, and it often motivates us to “get out there” and achieve our goals. Our egos can pump us up and sustain us through setbacks and challenges. Our egos say, "I know what I'm doing”. However, our egos can also work against us, especially in relationships. Our egos can cause us to get stuck debating what is fair, to insist on being right and to become mired in power struggles. The ego can also be very hungry and critical, always wanting more and preventing us from enjoying our accomplishments. If we learn how to manage our egos, we will experience more career and relationship success.

It's often true that insecure, stressed and/or frightened people have fragile egos. Depending on individual circumstances, it’s easy to engage many people's egos with seemingly harmless comments. In order to manage a fragile ego, the person must see you as a friend, not an enemy. The following four techniques work well on both healthy and fragile egos, and they can help you manage both personal and work relationships.

1. Compliment the person:

Give compliments like these, which stroke the fragile ego:

“Great job, glad you thought of that!”

“Can you repeat that? It's very good. I want to write it down so that I will remember it.”

“Good, very good. I like the direction you are going in.”

“It’s so great to have you provide all this____________”.

“How did you know that/think of that? I am impressed!”

Tread lightly on what the other person perceives as his or her domain. Adding context and paying attention to the ego while providing necessary information will help you avoid engaging the ego’s battle pose. Convey the message that he or she is guiding the project/interaction and you are the consultant.

2. Add context:

Start by thinking about what you are afraid might happen, or what reaction you want to avoid. For instance, if you know that providing certain information may threaten the person, add some context and/or a question to your statement.

“I love what you have created so far. The ideas are very good. It shows your strengths in ________________. I also think _____________________ is terrific.”

WAIT TO SEE IF HE OR SHE IS ABLE TO HEAR AND REGISTER YOUR POSITIVE COMMENTS! If not, say more to get the person’s ego on your side. Then proceed with something like this:

“I certainly don’t want to step on your toes, but may I make a suggestion that would build on this terrific concept?”

You can also expand on the person's ideas:

“I love this ____________________ concept. How did you come up with this? It’s fantastic! I especially enjoyed thinking about ___________________”.

“Your ideas inspired a few thoughts for the whole team. You helped us think about _____________________________________.”

3. Be deferential and quick to apologize:

Being deferential and apologizing goes a long way. Sometimes taking responsibility for the communication will help the person’s ego disengage.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. Perhaps I didn’t communicate this clearly. Let me try again.”

“Somehow I am not being clear about this. Let me rephrase my statement so that we can create a solution.”

“Oh, I have upset you. I'm sorry. What did I say that caused this upset? That was not my intention.”

“Our relationship is important to me. I want us to work well together. Can we go back and determine what just went wrong so we can clear this up?”

4. Manage your own ego:

You know your own ego is engaged when you blame or judge the other person and find yourself saying thing like this:

“How dare he/she?”

“He doesn’t know what he is doing!”

“That stupid_________!”

“If only she would listen to me.”

“Can’t he see that he is wrong?”

“Forget it. I am not going to do this until she_________!”

“This doesn’t happen to me with anyone else but you!”

It’s challenging to use sophisticated emotional intelligence in heated or tense situations. If your ego is engaged and you are mad, frustrated or stressed, you may have to take a break and regroup before you can communicate effectively. However, using these tools can give you a tremendous advantage in both your personal and professional life!